How It Feels ... To Be 231 Kilograms

The Age

Tuesday January 23, 2007

MICHELLE HAMER

It took a serious fall, and the encouragement of her family, to spur Bobby Ballantyne, 43, to drop the weight equivalent of several people.

I HAVE made bad food choices all my life. I brought myself up and fed myself whatever I wanted. I was always a very solid girl and I got bigger after I started having my seven children.

Even though I weighed a lot and looked huge I could still do what I wanted. But then one day I couldn't climb on a chair to clean the top of the fridge. The heavier I got, the more things I couldn't do and it really started to get to me; I had very bad depression.

The worst time was when I exceeded 200 kilograms.

I never ate breakfast, but by late morning I'd have at least six pieces of toast with heaps of butter and grilled cheese - then, I'd start on my block of chocolate. If there was cake in the house I would eat that as well.

I would make a cup of tea, open a pack of biscuits and drain the cup without putting my mouth to it, just one biscuit after the other dunked in the tea. I'd eat until the packet was gone.

I hid food such as cake from the kids. I cut off big pieces and shoved them in my mouth like I was in a race - I didn't want to share.

Night was my worst time for eating; I had my meal and then sat down to watch TV with whatever food I needed. When it was gone, I'd get one of the kids to fetch junk food.

I kept eating and getting bigger and, in my last pregnancy, the scale couldn't weigh me; but I think I was probably about 170 kg by the time I gave birth.

There were nights when I would have really bad chest pains and I'd think I was going to die. I'd make deals with God: "If you let me wake up in the morning I'll do anything; I will go on a diet, I'll lose the weight".

But I'd wake up the next morning and there'd be no chest pains, which made me happy and I would eat.

I could walk, but not far. A trip to the letterbox exhausted me.

I couldn't buy clothes. A friend made me skirts and tops that were the size of tents. I couldn't wear knickers because there were none in my size. I bought super-size bike shorts and wore them as knickers to stop the chafing. I couldn't wear shoes because my feet and ankles were so swollen; I had to wear thongs.

I felt totally ugly.

I slept in a chair in the lounge room for 10 years because I couldn't lay down; I thought I was going to die. The weight would travel to my throat and I felt I would choke. My husband bought me a recliner and I slept there.

I went through five chairs in 10 years, breaking them all.

I've only been sleeping in a bed for the past year. I love going to bed, it's the best part of my day. It's one of the many magnificent feelings about losing weight.

I pretended not to be embarrassed about my weight. I became rudeDperson to distract people from my appearance. People stared and commented; friends would nudge friends and I could hear what they were saying. I was very embarrassed for my children; I knew what a lot of them were copping at school.

People would talk to me loudly and slowly. The perception was that you were stupid if you were big.

Chairs terrified me; you could break them and end up on your bum, or you might not fit into them. If I was invited out for lunch, I would get my son to check out the chairs, how far I had to walk or if there were any stairs. If there were stairs I wouldn't go, if the seats weren't solid wood without arms, I wouldn't go. It was a life of restrictions.

When I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes it didn't mean anything to me. I probably spent the next year eating more chocolate and sweets than ever.

The big crunch came when I slipped while showering. I was very scared because I could not get up.

I called for my son. He took one look and started crying.

"The fire brigade will have to come and take out the wall," I said.

He said: "Please, mum, just try to get up".

I sent him to get every pillow he could find and we lined the bath with them. He had to get a pillow under me - a huge effort. Finally, he did it, and I was laughing and crying.

Then I had to get on my knees.

I can't describe the pain - it was absolute agony. But I did it with the aid of the sliding door.

I was crying harder.

My son got a kitchen chair and I used it to lever myself upright. He sat on the chair as I lifted my 231 kg frame. By some miracle I did it in one mighty heave.

And that was it for me - it wasn't the agony or the risk of the fire brigade, it was my children.

My daughter and I joined Weight Watchers. What depressed me was being told I had to lose 156 kg - the weight of several people. I started to worry that I couldn't do it.

Then they told me that when I lost five kilograms I would get a bookmark; it was my first goal. I lost 4.8 kilograms in the first week and that spurred me on. I lost 3.7 kilograms the second week. I just kept setting little goals for myself.

In 18 months, I lost 132 kg - and I am still going. -- MICHELLE HAMER

Michelle Hamer is the author of How it Feels (New Holland) $24.95.